Brangelina: An Ode To All Breakups

Ange, I’ve always thought you and I would be great pals. You’re successful and I admire your success. You’re a humanitarian and I deal with many annoying humans. You’ve adopted kids from all over the world and I’ve adopted a fat old cat.

See, plenty of things in common to bond over. One thing we definitely have in common is a breakup. Luckily for you, yours is with Brad Pitt and not a questionable banker wanker or chubby stoner…b1f9cdb8747b66edb7587c798153d4bf.jpg

No matter what stage you are at in your life (movie star/mother to Herbie), breakups are the WORST. Even worse than the Paleo diet, crocs, and burpees. The whole concept of a breakup is so strange and despite being older than religion, will never cease to destroy the sanest of humans.

Whether you’re with someone for 12 months or 12 years; they are your person for that time. No matter how much you fight at times, they’ll always have your back, you tell them everything and they know you better than you know yourself. They’re the person who kisses you goodbye and knows exactly which particular brow furrow means food is required ASAP. They’re the person who’s been there for the best days and the worst days. They’re your family.

And then in the blink of an eye, they’re not. One morning your person is kissing your nose goodbye and then they’re practically a stranger. It’s a baffling predicament most of us have experienced.

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There should be a not-so-special place where your previous significants disappear to, never to be seen or heard from again. This ‘special place’ certainly isn’t the horrible vortex that is social media, which makes it near impossible to get over things the way you would back in the day.

So Ange (and all breakup sufferers), I’ve compiled a list of post-breakup social media rules of things to do…and to definitely NOT do, I hope it helps GF 277e16ed654e25f8dff54e7cfbe09852.jpg

DO

Delete them from all social media. This is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Why did you ask? WELL.

If you don’t delete them, you’ll finally be feeling somewhat ok until he pops up on your newsfeed like…

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Destroying your half-healed heart like…

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What’s worse is the first photo he’s tagged in with another girl. Hell, she could be his cousin for all you know but you’re filled with such an intense rage that poor girl would get an AVO against you if she could read your mind. #nekminute it’s 2am on a Tuesday night and you’ve uncovered old photos from her cousins step mums 50th where she looks fugly and you go to bed feeling smug AF. Even though if someone stalked you enough on social media, they’d find videos of the time you thought you could master the art of burlesque.

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DON’T

Passive-aggressively ‘like’ every photo your ex and his new girlfriend are in. ESPECIALLY the ones she posts… And please for the love of your dignity, don’t comment something like ‘oh you guys are so cute’ thinking it makes you look super chill and new-age. It doesn’t. It makes you look like this…

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DO

Promise a hot stranger a free drink to *pose in a pic with you for your friend to then tag you in on facey. This should be done in the mere hope that your ex will see it and immediately assume that you’re boning this tasty treat. Better yet you SHOULD bone the tasty treat.

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*I’M JOKING.

*Not really.

DON’T

Share your biz on social media. Say whatever you please to friends and family but under no circumstance should you ever post one of those thinly-veiled references as to how heartbroken you are or what an asshole he is. You know what I mean, status updates like ‘didn’t think someone could break me like that’ or ‘he’ll get what’s coming’. Then there’s the lass who posts pathetic links to broody breakup ballads with a sad emoji. FFS keep your dignity and just spread rumours about his tiny wiener like a regular person.

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DO

Stay classy girl. Don’t stoop to shitty, petty levels. You’ll feel satisfied for all of 10 minutes and then your self-loathing will take over. Write down everything you’re feeling and file it away somewhere safe. Pretend you’re ok and eventually you WILL be ok. With everything you do, all you need to think is *WQBDT (Would Queen Bee Do This)? If the answer is no, don’t do it. Cos baby you’re Beyonce. x

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Words by Kelly McCarren.

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