10 Kama Sutra Positions To Try Tonight

Guys it’s Valentine’s Day and if you’re in a couple it means you should probably pull yourself away from the TV and get frisky. So I thought I’d be super helpful and look up some new positions you might like to try.

JOKES, these do NOT look good. Try them for a laff but I anticipate zero pleasure.

1. Let us begin with what I like to call ‘The Viewpoint’… nrm_1407162932-passion-propeller.jpg

Why would any lass want to lay back while her partner is laying on top of her spread-legged? The view of his anoos is not a way to rev the ol’ engines. Also, I’m very confused by the logistics of this position. Does his peen bend that way? Much confusio.

2. Now I’d like to call this one ‘The Nope‘…

nrm_1407166324-the-sexual-seesaw.jpg

This is a logistical nightmare. To begin with, unless you have a figure like this (which would be a tiny % of humans), your gunt would be all rolled up and squishy and right in your line of vision. Sure-fire guarantee to make you feel sexy. Oh and forget about it if you have big boobs, your nipples would give you an eye injury.

3. This one is definitely ‘The Hurry Up‘…

nrm_1406928803-desk-detail.jpgNow this position I could get on board with (in more ways than one). This position is for the lass who is really into her TV show but her chap is pestering her with his peen. Jump on and continue watching while releasing the occasional moan at his impressive #skillz. He’ll never know you’re way more invested in Married At First Sight’s latest catastrophic relationship.

4. This is the aptly named ‘CBF‘…

nrm_1407164705-torrid-tug-of-war.jpg

I think they drew this illustration when the couple in question were tugging at each other’s arms like “no it’s YOUR turn to do the work” and they were both being stubborn so just lay there with P in the V and the illustrator thought ‘cool something new’.

5. For yogi’s only, I present ‘The Ultimate Shoulder Stand‘…

 

nrm_1407166352-the-head-game.jpgWHO WOULD FIND THIS COMFORTABLE!? Unless you practice shoulder stands on the reg, this is one way to give yourself a neck injury. Try explaining that at work:

  • Text – “so sorry I can’t come into work today, I put my neck out.”
  • Boss – “oh no, what happened?”.
  • Text – “you know, just got all twisted when we were trying to be kinky for V-DAY.”
  • Boss -“right… see you tomorrow then.”

6. For when you’re feeling particularly gymnastic, try ‘The Dislocated Hip‘…

nrm_1407166663-the-lusty-leg-lift.jpg

Now I don’t know about you, but I find elongating my leg in such a straight, vertical manner easy as pie. Don’t you? If you’re a gymnast, dancer or have a dislocated hip you should be able to manoeuvre yourself into this position. Even then it doesn’t look comfortable as you’d be hopping about on one leg while being impaled by a peen.

7. ‘The Michelangelo‘…

nrm_1407162413-love-triangles.jpg

This looks like a really important statue from historic times that someone has photo-shopped (not me for once) into a sexual scenario. No dude I know would be comfortable/able to hold that position and once again, apparently many lasses walking around can easily do and then hold the splits with ease.

8. Next time you’re having sex with an actual roid junkie, make sure you try ‘The Hulk‘…

nrm_1407163050-pleasure-pick-me-up.jpg

No matter how big he is and how tiny you are, this bodes very athletic and inconceivable to me. Like is he holding your entire body weight or are you supporting yourself with your rock hard abs by balancing on the bed? I find it hard to believe this would be enjoyable to anyone involved…

9. Enter ‘The Limb Twister‘…

nrm_1407163284-rock-a-bye-booty.jpg

Don’t try this at home kids. Unless you’d like to participate in a real life twister of limbs. WHOSE LEG IS THAT. You’ll get stuck, that seems like something that will 100% happen. Anyone who does this position for fun is just showing off their acrobatics really.

The Sit‘…

nrm_1407164204-twirl-a-girl.jpg

Is this just where she sits? What is going on? It looks like he’s asleep and she just thought she’d perch herself there for comfort. Where’s the popcorn and TV remote at?

 

Moral of this is that there’s nothing wrong with your stock-standard missionary, doggy and if you’re feeling really adventurous, shower sex. HAPPY BONKING PARTY PEOPLE!

Words by Kelly McCarren. 

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