Once upon a time, there was the original fuckboy who was basically just Danny from Grease (let’s face it, he cheated on Sandy after a month and her perm wore off). You could spot him a mile off and he was easily avoided. He was generally a jock with great hair and a decent job, had big muscles and a history of women falling at his feet.
THEN dating apps like Tinder came about and all these other fuckboys magically bred overnight with degrees in many different types of fuckboy-ery.
Now, I’m a firm believer that in a gal’s life, she needs some solid single time. A time in which she can curl up in her OWN BIG bed with her laptop and something cheesy for dinner with no judgement. A time she can spend $500 on a Gucci belt with no eye rolls. And a time in which she can slay some D with reckless abandon whenever she dang well pleases.
But during this slaying single period, she’s bound to come across every single fuckboy she could possibly imagine, who will torment her with every single fuckery thing they can think of. So read on for the 6 types of fuckboys (I’ve encountered) and how to avoid them.
But first, let’s define the fuckboy shall we? I feel like this sums him up pretty well…
The Classic Fuckboy
This fuckboy is easy to spot and if you sleep with him you’ve only yourself to blame, as everything about him screams fuckery. This lad will;
a) Have ‘DTF’ in his Tinder bio along with pictures of him patting a Tiger in Thailand (muscles flexed in Bintang singlet) and doing something ‘ladish’ with ‘da boyz.
b) He’ll initiate a conversation with ‘you’re hot’ and then pretty quickly let you know that he’s ‘not looking for anything serious’ (unless you were unclear on what ‘DTF’ suggested).
c) He will hound you for nudes and send you unsolicited dick pics out of nowhere that you really didn’t want at all, let alone at the dinner table with your nan.
d) He uses stupid text talk like u instead of you or 4 instead of for. He also puts lol or haha on the end of the sentence even though he’s as funny and clever as a moist sponge.
e) He also sends the smirk and wink emojis excessively. Even though you continuously aren’t responding with anything close to an appreciative, flirty or suggestive matter.
This fuckboy is a dirty dog who should only be responded to so you can continue to send screengrabs of how ridiculous he is to your gal pals. Do not sleep with this fuckboy. You only need that type of fuckery in your life for laffs.
The Mindfuck Fuckboy
This guy is an evil genius. He’s an incredibly smooth manipulator who tells you he’s ‘not looking for anything serious’ but then acts EXACTLY LIKE A BOYFRIEND. You go out together, you know his friends, he sleeps over a few times a week and sometimes you don’t even bone, you just watch STAN and cuddle… Oh but you know, he’s not your boyfriend. Which, no matter how hard they try and dispute, this is solely because they want to have the option of sleeping with other people. They also probably don’t want to meet your parents and buy you a birthday gift.
Girlfriend, if you’re dealing with this type of fuckboy you need to shut it down. NOW. You’re worth more and you know it. Tell the idiot you want commitment and if he says something like ‘oh babe, I’m just not ready’ or ‘I told you I didn’t want anything serious’, grab your dignity and get rid of the worthless fucker. Don’t settle for less than someone who thinks you’re as awesome as your friends do. And wants to lock that shit down as his.
The Boomerang Fuckboy
This asshole knows just how to fuck up your life with his fuckery. This guy generally falls off the face of the planet for some worthless reason but then boomerangs back into your inbox after you post a really hot pic/are doing really well at work/for no fathomable reason except you were in a good place and his fuckery sensed it. He’ll generally write you a message like this:
a) ‘Hey stranger’
b) ‘What’s been happening’
c) ‘Where have you been hiding’
d) ‘Long time, no speak’
Ignore this boomerang fuckboy when he pops up in your inbox or just send back this: I assure you he still doesn’t care, he just forgot how great your tits were and wants to shmack you with his mediocre shlong.
The Victim Fuckboy
Oh boy, is this guy a head case. This dude had something shitty happen to him (but doesn’t realise that most people get over it because you know, #life) and now blames his despicable behaviour on this thing that probably happened 7 years ago. Nothing is ever this fuckboys fault, he is always the victim and is just so ‘misunderstood’. Girls sleep with him because he’s ‘troubled’ and then he backs away because he’s ‘scared of getting hurt’.
Grow some balls you fucktard. Avoid the ‘troubled’ victim at all costs and don’t let him suck you in with his sob story. Personal grievances should come out down the track, not before parts are put in other parts for christ’s sake.
The Stupid Fuckboy
Ahhh I’ve met a few of these chaps before. Generally speaking, these fuckboys are too stupid to actually realise they are spouting words of fuckery. Females are attracted to them because of their insanely good looks and sexual prowess, yet the words that come out of their mouth makes your brain angry. They’re generally really small-minded, have a complete lack of self-awareness and have an ignorance level that’s borderline Trump.
This fuckboy is too dimwitted to hurt you toooo bad, so if you really want to keep his peen powers for awhile, ho ahead. But I warn you, the stupid fuckery coming out of that sexy mouth will beat what that mouth can do.
The Dead Fuckboy
This fuckboy dies. Or that’s how it seems at first. Things are going along swimmingly; much bants, much cuteness, much sex, much happy. And then for no apparent reason, he falls off the face of the universe. Your texts aren’t responded to, he stops with the funny emails and he DOESN’T EVEN TAG YOU IN HILARIOUS SHIT ON INSTA ANYMORE. Oh but he watches your snapchats. Just so you know he’s not dead and just actually a fuckboy.
So there you have it, 6 fuckboys I need my single gals to look out for. Let me know if I’ve missed a specific breed of these horrible humans and I’ll update accordingly.
Words by Kelly McCarren.