Let me preface this recap by admitting that I didn’t watch last season of The Bachelorette because, well, it was super boring. So I don’t know anything about this chap they’re calling Matty J but I’m immediately going to change his name to Mr M as referring to a grown adult as ‘Matty’ hurts my brain. I don’t care what your mates call you dude, you’re not 6, please don’t refer to yourself as ‘Matty’.
We begin with a montage of last seasons snore fest, some shirtless beach dwelling, and a SNEAK PEAK into this seasons DRAHMA. And there’s a LOT of it.
Osher arrives in a cleanly pressed suit that appears to be a size too big and generally just looks like he really couldn’t be assed doing this for another year. We are forced to watch another boring montage of last years heartbreak with more shirtless beach dwelling. Abs are on prominent display, followed by abs in slo-mo, finishing with abs covered in drops of water. Producers conclude that all women watching have hungry ovaries and provide many shots of Mr M with a small human so women’s vaginas contract and immediately start ovulating. Producers feel smug at ovulation success as ratings will be higher. He then talks about how much he loves his mum while his mum says some stuff that is definitely not scripted. They then have a big giggle and mock argument over chopping vegetables. We’re still not even 6 minutes in and the editors thought this should make the cut? Riveting shit.
Finally, Mr M arrives at his new abode where he will keep 22 gals captive for the next few months while they fight each other in a humiliating quest to be the sole owner of his peen. He has a boring bro chat with Osh while I ponder how many minutes of this shit I have to suffer through before we meet
the contestant’s his new girlfriends.
Contestant Girlfriend 1 – EXTREMELY Tall Alex
EXTREMELY Tall Alex wows Mr M with her tight AF rig and Mr M immediately gets a boner. EXTREMELY Tall Alex is a Body Painter and I have no idea WTF that is. Like henna? Thick tatoos? Plz explain. As she disappears up into her new peen prison I wonder if one of the crew come and keep her company while Mr M tucks his boner into the waistband of his suit (that fits) and waits to meet the next new girlfriend.
Contestant Girlfriend 2 – Token Bogan Tara
HAHA I love this girl she legit says in her montage thing “no more drought, I’m going to make it rain” and I’m dying. IT’S RAINING DICKS. Token Bogan Tara does plenty of bogan things and says bogan expressions and I adore her and it appears Mr M does too but his boner officially disappears when she says ‘SEEYA MATE’ and heads indoors.
Contestant Girlfriend 3 – Lovely Laura
Lovely Laura is a clear frontrunner in this
game quest for sole peen ownership. Natural makeup, great rig, excellent tan and genuine gal. PLUS she’s sassy so I like her. Mr M utters the unofficial tagline for The Bachelor, ‘you look amazing’, yet again.
Contestant Girlfriend 4 – Gimmick Girl 1, Corbie
Tsk tsk. Poor Corbie. Hasn’t she watched the other seasons as homework!? None of the gimmick girls (you know, the gals with a ‘bit’ as part of their intro) EVER get past the first few weeks.
Contestant Girlfriend 5 -Blonde Filler 1, Simone
We know our blonde fillers won’t get far but they’ll get some insta followers and maybe a fake tan ambassadorship, so all is good in the world. Mr M gets bewb induced boner and can’t speak words.
Contestant Girlfriend 6 – Blonde Filler 2, Elise
Contestant Girlfriend 7 – Hot Monica
Let us all take a moment and appreciate Monica’s face, shall we? Seriously, who can be that beautiful!
Contestant Girlfriend 8 – Looking For Substantial Semen Laura-Ann
Her ovaries are hungry and she ain’t afraid to say it. Looking For Substantial Semen Laura-Ann has obviously seen Mr M with the small human nephew and now thinks his peen offers some substantial semen for her hungry ovaries to gobble up.
Contestant Girlfriend 9 – Blonde Filler 3, Elizabeth
Contestant Girlfriend 10 – Blonde Filler 4, Stephanie
Contestant Girlfriend 11 – Blonde Filler 5, Stacey
Jesus, there’s a few Blonde Fillers this season aren’t there! Let’s hope they have enough time together to hatch a great marketing plan…
Contestant Girlfriend 12 – Wife That Shit Sharlene
Listen I don’t think she’ll win but how this sweet looking little angel hasn’t been snapped up is beyond me. Maybe cos’ she’s a wedding planner and dudes be scared she’s already got the seating plan arranged?
Contestant Girlfriend 13 – Saucy Sian
Sian has tattoos. And not a cute little map on her back or a wonky face behind her ear, like, legit body art. Plus, she has piercings. I think Saucy Sian is the producer’s attempt at ‘diversity’.
Contestant Girlfriend 14 – Hates DRAHMA Jennifer
Hates DRAHMA Jennifer really HATES DRAHMA. But then Blonde Filler 9 says her dress is ‘putrid’ which is my new favourite word after ‘peasant’ and all hell breaks loose in peen prison.
Contestant Girlfriend 15 – Fartalie
Fartalie (formerly known as Natalie) is the funniest person to ever grace the peen prison. In the first episode alone, she admits to stalking Mr M, cocks her leg to fart in front of a bunch of people she’s JUST met, sniffs her fingers, and says ‘moist’ a bunch of times. I’m actually done.
Contestant Girlfriend 16 – Constable Big Tits
Constable Big Tits arrives (aptly) in a police car then steps out in a jaw-dropping backless number that has Mr M fumbling with his waistband tucking method yet again.
She handcuffs him and tells him not to piss in a bush. Mr M would never piss in a bush but a grown man named ‘Matty’ sure would.
Contestant Girlfriend 4 – Gimmick Girl 2, Belinda
In what is quite possibly one of the most cringe-worthy moments of TV history, Belinda gimmicks Mr M in the most awkward possible way. She forces him to look into her eyes for a full minute with a hand on her
breast heart. I can’t deal.
Contestant Girlfriend 18 – Olena 2.0
Every season needs a hot blonde with an accent. Olena 2.0 does give him a gift but she’s wearing a tight red dress, doesn’t really embarrass herself and is a hot blonde with an accent – ergo, she might make it till the end in the peen prison.
Contestant Girlfriend 19 – Gimmick Girl 3, Akoulina
This little barefoot bandit with a penchant for blue eyeshadow is going to get eaten alive by these bitches. Peen prison is not the place for sweet gymnasts my dear.
Contestant Girlfriend 20 – Clear Contender Lisa
Ladies and gents, we have soft, romantic music, a top 3 girlfriend has arrived and she’s (you guessed it) amazing. Clear Contender Lisa is blonde, skinny and stunning with the whitest smile I ever did see. Plus she’s a sweetheart. Bitch has got the final week in the bag.
Contestant Girlfriend 21 – Flirt-Fail Leah
Leah’s lack of self-awareness is probably going to be the most interesting thing that happens this season. I’ve named her Flirt-Fail for a few good reasons… Firstly, she tells the camera how good she is at flirting before turning up in a fishing net that leaves little to the imagination, which is how a 17yo flirts. Then she pisses him off by messing up his hair which is how an 8yo flirts. And THEN she makes a bunch of not-so-subtle sexual innuendoes about ‘lasting’ and her ‘secret garden’ blah blah vomit that absolutely no one should ever do as a form of ‘flirting’.
Contestant Girlfriend 22 – Lara Croft Elora
Lara Croft Elora arrives late at the peen prisons official cocktail party in a flurry of fire; her curves giving Mr M and all his other girlfriends a collective giant boner. At least seven of his dim-witted new girlfriends ask if Lara Croft Elora is ‘another girl’ to which I really wish Lara Croft Elora would just get her moot out and stop the stupid questions.
So after we meet all Mr M’s new girlfriends, they mingle around their new peen prison sussing out the competition and bless whoever hooks the mics up to these girls as 7 proseccos deep, I’m losing it at their commentary; ‘you meet nicer people at Aldi’ is the second funniest thing said all evening after ‘that dress is putrid’. The girls continue to push each other out of the way for a 2-minute awkward conversation with a zillion other people watching. Basically reality speed dating. There’s a bit of bitchiness and DRAHMA between Hates DRAHMA Jennifer and Blonde Filler 9 and Token Bogan Tara actually goes and makes popcorn to eat while watching it unfold. She is my soul sister.
More bickering over Mr M and who gets to take him to the secret garden but then he takes Clear Contender Lisa because why wouldn’t he choose the model to take to a place where his other girlfriends can’t see his boner.
Everyone looks pissed and Constable Big Tits gets the first rose and then we have our first DRAHMATIC rose ceremony for the season. For some stupid reason, he gets rid of Hot Monica and Blonde Filler 5. Probs cos’ her sash was covering her bewbs.
Words by Kelly McCarren.