The Bachelor 2017 Ep 2: There Are Mean Girls In The Peen Prison

Ok we’re finished episode 2 and Mr M’s remaining 20 girlfriends are still calling him Matty.

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It’s really hurting me.

Just like every other episode in the entire bloody franchise, we begin in the peen prison kitchen where all the girlfriends discuss just how much they like their new boyfriend they’ve just met and how they’d love a date with him. No shit, given he’s your BOYFRIEND.

Osh wanders on in and I become increasingly irate and jealous of his employment given he gets paid to deliver cards to a bunch of woo girls for 2 minutes per week.

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The girls all look fresh-faced and about 20 years younger than the dolled-up versions from the last ep. Seriously tho, how much makeup does channel 10 pack on that lot?

Lara Croft Elora gets the first single date and sweetly smiles to herself while all Mr M’s other girlfriends roll their eyes and get back to whatever the hell they do in peen prison. Namely bitching like a bunch of private school girls who are yet to hit puberty.

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Lara Croft Elora wobbles on down a questionable looking beach in giant wedges and the producer who ‘forgot’ to tell her it was a beach date quietly chuckles in the background. What happens next is one of the most boring encounters I’ve ever suffered on through and if I wasn’t getting paid to commentate on this bullshit I would be playing Crash Bandicoot instead of watching this drivel. She’s super cute though so I power on through a conversation about nothing while they gaze at each other.

Mr M then gets her into a bikini as he wants to make sure her rig is sufficient enough to erect a tent in his trousers.

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Mission successful and they frolick about in the ocean very naturally with 16 cameras pointed at them. Given it’s the first date, I feel very uncomfortable about how cuddly and handsy she is with him. Hell, I’ve boned people without that much touching.

They go to some cabin and talk about boring shit while gazing at each other and then he gives her a rose because tent in trousers.

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“HAHA you got a boner HAHA”

Lara Croft Elora seems to think she’s his only girlfriend and I feel bad for her when she gets back and we see a real glimpse into the completely un-funny behaviour by Hates DRAHMA Jen and Flirt-Fail Lara who both make Regina George look like an angel.

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THESE CONNIVING FACES WILL ONLY BRING EVIL.

Some of the girls woo about leaving the peen prison for a group date and I am about to break my computer attempting to swipe the Mean Girls off screen.

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The group date is (SHOCKER) a photo shoot and some of the girls look cute and some of the girls do not.

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I’m actually dead. Evil Kween Hates DRAHMA Jen looks like a dick.

There’s a lot of bitchiness and prancing about in teeny tiny outfits designed to show Mr M that they also have tent in trouser inducing rigs.

3 Blonde Fillers perform a cheer for Mr M and I cry a sorrowful bleat to feminism.

Evil Kween Flirt-Fail Leah fails YET AGAIN while trying to be seductive and when she goes in for a kiss with Mr M he recoils so quickly I fall off my chair laughing.

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Babes, you probs need a breath mint.

The next morning Mr M brings the girls muffins and they woo girl so much I can only assume they’re being starved in the peen prison as those muffins look dry as shit.

Mr M whisks off  Clear Contender Lisa to play tennis and they drive for awhile even though I’m pretty sure the peen prison has a tennis court…

Clear Contender Lisa has far superior tennis skills and she is humble and funny and sweet and I have my own boner after looking at that face for a good few minutes.

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Sweaty after a tennis match and she still looks this fresh.

Mr M then gets Clear Contender Lisa into a bikini for obvious reasons and tries to unsuccessfully feed her in the pool. They then start to prattle on about feelings and shit and she obvs gets a rose.

Evil Kween Hates DRAHMA Jen will NOT be happy.

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The second cocktail party of the season commences and all Mr M’s girlfriends ooo and ahh over how beautiful Clear Contender Lisa is. Poor Lara Croft Elora gets picked on by the Mean Girls and the English Blonde Filler (who is growing on me, bless her) leaps to her new besties defence and shit starts to get real but then we cut to the rose ceremony and I curse the TV gods (Osh?) as I really wanted Lara Croft Elora to get all Tomb Raider on these bitches.

The rose ceremony is full of the usual DRAHMA music but we all know someone with no screen time will be going home and we’re really not that invested at this stage. Lo and behold Leah (who forgot to wear makeup as she was too busy being an Evil Kween) got through…

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“CBF with makeup. I have an Evil Kween glow.”

…while Looking For Substantial Semen Laura-Ann doesn’t get one and I hope she finds someone to feed her hungry ovaries soon as that woman is a rare breed, a hot lawyer.

And now we wait with bated breath to see what terrible dates Mr M takes some of his girlfriends on next week and if the Mean Girls last. #PleaseTVGods(Osh?)NO

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Read Ep 1 recap right here! 

Words by Kelly McCarren.

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