The Bachelor 2017 Ep 3: There Was Jousting Weapons Involved

We begin with a recap of just how bitchy some of Mr M’s new girlfriend’s behaviour was last week and I pray to the TV gods (Osh?) that things will get better.


HAHA but then we’re reminded of this lol moment…


Anddddd we see that she will be up to her usual antics.face-with-rolling-eyes.png


Osher bursts in on the girls and apologises for it even though we all know it’s staged and he probably entered a few times but they chose that one because they realised Cobie was the only one who really cared.


Osh pulls his signature move and all the girls woo and carry on even though it’s the only reason he EVER has to work/enter their Evil Kween prison. Someone points out that their boyfriend could just you know, CALL them and Osher cracks the shits because card delivering is one of his key KPIs and with suggestions like that, his job could become obsolete. Which would actually just be the end of The Bachelor really.


Nat gets nervous about Osher visiting with his trick cards and pulls this face and it’s spectacular.


Gimmick Girl 3 (whose name I actually can’t pronounce) tells everyone that Lovely Laura (AKA Mr M’s Chosen One) is getting a SINGLE DATE and all his other girlfriends are disappointed but feign happiness for the Chosen One.



There is a SHOWPO SKIRT on TV and it wasn’t paid for.

I repeat, Lovely Laura is sporting a SHOWPO SKIRT.




Mr M prattles on about how Lovely Laura ‘took his breath away’ and how he’s ‘had his eye on her’ since she waltzed onto the red carpet blah blah – we know this Mr M as she is clearly your Chosen One and you clearly have a type.


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*awkward cough

It appears Mr M is taking her on the exact same date he took Lara Croft Elora and I suspect someone at Channel 10 potentially knows someone with boats. That’s ok though and just an FYI, I am always open to new friendships with rich people who own boats. Going on a boat excitement level =

Mr M perfectly captures everyones excitement level at having a rich friend with a big boat.


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This actually happened. You’re welcome for the gif.

They both prattle on about water and boats and more boats and it’s so fucking boring. BUT it obviously works because…

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Yeah Sportsbet predicts that Lovely Laura has this shit in the bag.

Their date is pretty cute. Even my cynical heart is warmed by her dimples and the way he looks at her. They gaze at each, talk about love, then draw each other (because she’s #creative duh) at some fancy AF shoreline in Sydney and Mr M realises just how smitten he is.

They show each other their terrible pictures and I really hope her jewellery designs are better than her drawing capabilities. Mr M then takes his Chosen One to a random couch (why, WHY are there so many random couches for these dates) and they gaze at each other and Channel 10 will have to keep the Evil Kweens on because we know who has won this. After some gazing that’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, Mr M leans in for a kiss and it’s a pretty spectacular first kiss.

Unlike this…


Which will be etched into my brain forever.

He then actually can’t stop kissing her and I roll my eyes because they’re more obvious than Sam and Sash. HE LOVES HER AND HER CUTE DIMPLES.


Chuffed level = 11/10




We then move onto the group date and I’m already losing it because there are actual jousting weapons being wielded and I really hope Osh is going to don a suit as he looks really excited.

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But not as excited as Lisa. 


Evil Kween Flirt-Fail continues to try and cause issues and Simone is a lady and doesn’t want a bar of it but secretly wants to joust her, which would actually be spectacular TV.

For some godforsaken reason, grown human women are then made to chase pigs (which is actually really mean) around in costumes and I’m just going to say now that I’d REALLY like to sit in on one of these meetings with the Bach producers while they’re coming up with these ‘games’ AKA ‘Quests Of Humiliation’.



Anyway, Leah wins at tormenting the pigs so we know she’ll be at dinner the ‘banquet’ Mr M has promised the girls. Clear Contender Lisa also gets through and Constable Hot Cop is disappointed but she makes some dad jokes about getting Mr M in the sack and makes herself chuckle for a good 40 seconds.

“harharhar me so funny”

All the girls are really keen to get to dinner the banquet and spend time with their boyfriend but I actually wonder if it’s for the air time that dates get… More air time means more insta tan ambassadorships #amirite…

At the dinner, Evil Kween Flirt-Fail Leah continues to cause issues and tells Mr M some complete fibs that have his other girlfriends in attendance trying not to burst out laughing. She then tries some weird emotional manipulation tactic on poor stupid sweet Mr M and I actually can’t believe she’s real. SURELY the producers are paying her for this role right!? She can’t actually be this vindictive and batshit cray.


She does have great skin though. Probably from FEEDING FROM THE JOY OF OTHERS.


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The hour is up so we miss any chit chat at the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony. I’m bored so I start putting snapchat filters on everyone for my own entertainment.

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Then some more on Evil Kween Flirt-Fail because it’s funny (to me).

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Gimmick Girl 3 is booted and I am sad we will no longer be privy to her fetching blue eyeshadow.

Until tomorrow night Bach fans, where we will face much DRAHMA.

Missed the first 2 eps? Check out ep 1 where we meet all the gals and ep 2, where we realised Regina George was a saint.


Words by Kelly McCarren. 

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