The Bachelor 2017 Ep 4: There Was An Engorged Peen

I’m really hoping tonight’s episode is more interesting than last nights offering of boat banter, terrible drawings, animal cruelty, and Evil Kween DRAHMA.




Anyway, here’s a rundown of everything that happened.

  1. Mr M begins tonight’s episode by talking about horses and pensively looking at some rain.
  2. Osh is nowhere to be seen and we completely miss his ‘surprise and totally unscripted’ date card dropping tactic he likes to employ in each episode.
  3. He must still be sulking in the bowels of Channel 10 about Evil Kween Leah’s kinda apt comment last night ‘couldn’t Matty just call us’?
  4. Cobie clearly threatened the producers to overdose on helium and as such, has been granted the single date.
  5. Mr M arrives on a horse and my feminist brain can’t handle the ‘knight in shining armour’ metaphor that the producers are milking from vaginas all over the country.
  6. They start some boring equestrian related banter and I’m just hoping the horse does a giant shit.
  7. Annnnd the TV gods (Osh?) answer my prayers in an even better way as the horse whips out his giant, engorged shlong to do the worlds longest wee. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.42.17 pm

    Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.42.24 pm
  8. Thanks Channel 10, my Thursday nights cannot possibly get better than witnessing giant, engorged horse peen.
  9. They ‘ride’ around on horses’ at a pace my Nanny could beat walking with her emphysema, heart condition and recent leg surgery.
  10. I say ‘ride’ in jest as they basically just sit on a horse while Mr M praises Cobie on how ‘brave’ she is and clever at ‘riding’ said horse.
  11. Step 1 – Get on horse. Step 2 – Sit on saddle. Step 3 – Enjoy. Simples.gif
  12. He then teaches her how to WASH a horse, (who knew bathing was hard) and it’s basically just an elaborate ploy for him to hose her down while she’s wearing a white top and ensure her rig is up to his standards.
  13. He likes that she’s ‘silly’. giphy-1
  14. We head back to a set room where I’m sure there’s a) a random couch, b) food they won’t eat and c) boring feelings banter.
  15. We see some brand of scotch I can’t remember that is an obvious product placement because the producers are aware the only substance Cobie likes is the balloon variety.
  16. They’re doing that creepy thing some couples do when they molest each other’s hand mid-convo.
  17. I zone out and check some emails while they talk rubbish about feelings.
  18.  HAHAHAHHA she’s about to read him a poem, just when things were getting boring.
  19. She’s reading it and I… I just can’t. tumblr_inline_mko9e7kUP91qz4rgp.gif


  20. She then acts surprised that he gives her a rose, even though EVERYONE always gets a rose on single dates (except Keira because she is our feminist no-bullshit KWEEN).
  21. ‘Cobes’ as he has affectionately nicknamed her (real original ‘Matty’), then basically gives him no other option to kiss her so he has to go in for an unrequited pash. cobie .jpg
  22. He doesn’t do this. boner
  23. So we know his Chosen One is still the frontrunner. He just has to cheat on her a few times because #contract duh. I’m sure she understands.
  24. We head back to the house where Token Bogan Tara refers to herself as a ‘schnitty’ and I just love her.
  25. She then deep throats a banana

    Get it gurl.
  26. Token Bogan Tara is quickly becoming the funniest person on the show.
  27. Mr M zooms around in a KIA car that was definitely not #sp by KIA.
  28. As per usual, the girls are sitting around nonchalantly pretending they haven’t been told by a producer to SIT down and talk about how much they want time with their boyfriend. 
  29. SUPRISE! Their boyfriend turns up and someone actually says ‘there’s our boyfriend’ and I die.
  30. Osh stops sulking and turns up with a giant dice (/die? oh WGAF).

  31. I actually can’t wait for whatever humiliation the producers have up their sleeves today.
  32. As long as it doesn’t involve animals face-with-rolling-eyes.png
  33. HAHA it’s actually amazing and whoever came up with the rules for this game deserves a logie next year.
  34. I am going to pitch this game to my boss as there are several people I would like to cream-pie. Read into that sexual euphemism if you like, it was Channel 10, not me.
  35. Liz is the first person cream-pied and it’s spectacular. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 10.08.24 pm
  36. I didn’t realise no one liked her but apparently, no one likes her.
  37. In a stunt that is completely unscripted, Constable Hot Cop gets sent to jail and a bunch of terrible jail/police jokes are made. She’s got wine in there so looks pretty chill.
  38. There’s some gum spotted as really obvious product placement.
  39. More girls are cream-pied. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 10.12.46 pm

    Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 10.14.49 pm
  40. Constable Hot Cop ends up winning but doesn’t appear to actually win anything except questionable victory.
  41. Actually, she wins a rose but TBH I would prefer that KIA car not #sp by KIA if I were her.
  42. Annnnddd it’s cocktail time ladies and gents (watching under duress for a blowie)!
  43. The previews before each ad break keep promising DRAHMA and Lisa has the right idea. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.47.56 pm.png
  44. The party begins with Token Bogan Tara and Mr M appearing where they were probs eating pizza and playing Fifa, because…

    Screen Shot 2017-07-28 at 12.12.33 pm

  45. Olena 2.0 starts a porno with Mr M and all his other girlfriends feel unconformable because they can’t compete with the boner-inducing Dutch porno.Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 10.16.30 pmScreen Shot 2017-08-03 at 10.17.39 pm
  46. DW, I’ll let you guys know when ‘Harry Potter puts his basilisk into the dutch chamber of secrets’ comes out on Netflix.
  47. Cobie interrupts one of the blonde fillers and everyone is SHOOK even though it happens EVERY.SINGLE.COCKTAIL.PARTY.
  48. Evil Kween Leah has the audacity to call Cobie disrespectful.
  49. Let’s rewind to her behaviour last night, shall we?

    Much respect. 
  50. Anyway, so she then goes into the room where Cobie is probably re-reading Mr M her dreadful poem and drunkenly does that passive aggressive thing some people do by pretending to care but just stirring shit up for funsies.
  51. Mr M looks incredibly uncomfortable. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.46.07 pm
  52. Back outside, Evil Kween Leah starts telling some blatant fibs about what transpired in the room and everyone is even more shook at the DRAHMA.
  53. That’s it. Evil Kween Hates DRAHMA Jennifer has had enough.
  54. Firstly, she’s empty AGAIN. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.47.10 pm.pngScreen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.48.44 pm.png
  55. Secondly, she just can’t deal with the complete HUSTLER that is Cobie because HUSTLER and who TF does that HUSTLER thing she is.
  56. She appears to have absolutely no control over her sass levels and her hands start gesturing wildly in a DRAHMATIC plea to cement how much of a HUSTLER Cobie is.
  57. The Chosen One Lovely Laura steps in diplomatically because she is one of the only sane humans on this show. Screen Shot 2017-08-03 at 9.46.51 pm.png
  58. The producers couldn’t get enough DRAHMA out of the girls after Cobie comes back into awkward silence so we head into the rose ceremony.
  59. The Gimmick Girl Love Coach gets booted and it’s probably something she probably won’t want to pop the ol’ CV.
  60. You know, given she’s a LOVE COACH.
  61. Annnd the preview for next week promises much BTS DRAHMA and I now know why Saucy Sian is still here as it looks like she loses her absolute shit.
  62. Excellent.

Until next week Bach fans!

Missed a recap?


Words by Kelly McCarren. 







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