The Bachelor 2017 Ep 5: Another Threesome That Didn’t End Well

All the ads are promising a fuckload of DRAHMA so they better bloody deliver. If it’s just one of the Evil Kweens up to their standard antics, I won’t be happy.


GUESS WHAT GANG, the show begins with the girls talking about getting a date and then Osh ‘surprises’ them by coming in with a date card. Then all this happens…

Much confusion. 


    • The girls have no idea how Osh ‘does it’ and by ‘does it’ I assume they mean they don’t know how he enters the house? I guess it is a peen prison after all.
    • They overact just how surprised they are that they all happened to be sitting around together with makeup on and cameras in the room when Osh and his fancy new specs arrive.
    • The card comes with a bottle of some sort of Scotch or Whisky (I don’t know, they’re all yuck) that DEFINITELY wasn’t sponsored for a LOT of money this soon in the ep.
    • Olena 2.0 gets the single date, obviously, because she made the ‘Harry Potter puts his basilisk into the Dutch chamber of secrets’ porno with him last week and he got a boner.boner2.jpg
    • Mr M takes his Dutch porn star to bed what appears to be Homebush Bay, which is the most boring suburb in Syndey so it’s not shaping up to be a great date.
    • Olena 2.0 is about a 1 on the excitement scale at the view Mr M is banging on about and she’s right, it’s overcast as shit.
    • shitview
      “Lovely view…”

      They keep going about how ‘hectic’ it is (BTW just me or are hectic, hustler and savage the unofficial words of the season?), but given the producers have kept Olena 2.0 in her massive heeled boots, I feel like they’re ok.

    • Under the pretence of checking her nerves, Mr M cops a feel of her bewb heart. Cheeky sprog.
    • He then starts prattling on about love and the ‘jumping’ metaphor.face-with-rolling-eyes.pngtumblr_mod6r9DdVv1rl3hfqo1_500.gif
    • We head to an ad break with a hint that they might not jump even though we’ve all seen the previews and of course they’re going to bloody well jump.
    • You don’t pike out on national TV and besides, the producers would probs just push them off.
    • They jump and it’s shot in action movie slow-mo and at the bottom, there is many hugs and proclamations that they are no longer scared of anything. Right…
    • We cut back to the house and some of Mr M’s girlfriends are pretending to exercise with full faces of makeup and crop tops on.
    • Meanwhile, this is what the rest of us look like working out.giphy
    • We go back to the single date and it’s just getting worse. Mr M wants to make a sculpture of their hands.dafuq.JPG
    • WHY, we will never know, maybe the producers are holding his pet horse hostage.
      What Mr M wanted from the exercise…

      What he got.
    • Olena 2.0 is not having any of this shit and refers to the date as weird and cheesy and I love her.
    • She gets stuck in the moulding thing and the internet collectively LOLs at the innuendoes the editors have ensured we get. Bless them. lol.JPGgoodbj.JPG
    • In a surprise new Bachelor twist, Mr M takes Olena 2.0 to a questionable couch sitting behind the bottle of Scotch or Whisky that DEFINITELY wasn’t #sp.
    • They stare at each other and Mr M keeps getting boners because Olena 2.0 won’t keep her hands off his peen.peen
    • We witness the most awkward kiss of the season thus far in all of its slow, trying-to-be-Disney glory.
    • scotch.JPG
      More peen touching.

      I’m distracted by her pimple and annoyed the producers didn’t get her good side minus the pimp.


    • Olena 2.0 gets a rose and I’m annoyed on her behalf.
    • The girl jumps off a building and moulds a hand for you but a measly KISS gets a rose.
    • Back at the house, all the girls seem VERY ENTHUSIASTIC about the date and squeal that the hot foreigner kissed their boyfriend.
    • Except for Cobie. COBIE.jpg
      “GUYS I’M FINE”


    • I think the other girls have stolen her helium because she’s definitely not as chipper yet they’re all high AF.
    • Token Bogan Tara performs an air wank and it’s glorious.
    • kiss
      She also pulls this face.

      We return to the house where Jen is baking. She recently told media she baked a lot to sabotage the girls which I kind of think is hilariously amazing. I wish someone would bake for me in the hope I’d get fat. My friends are too fucking supportive.

    • Osh arrives AGAIN and all the girls squeal AGAIN.

    • He tells them that Mr M has basically organised a threesome with 2 duds and the bigger dud will be booted from his bed permanently.
    • Liz is chosen and could not give the slightest fuck.

    • Saucy Sian starts muttering spells under her breath.
    • It worked, Jen (AKA the one with the PUTRID dress) is picked too and it was either the producers or Saucy Sian’s spell as there is no way Mr M randomly ‘chose’ this pair.
    • Jen starts ugly crying and her face does that thing mine does just after botox where it literally just won’t move.
    • b2b399b4141a1ff47ea52af3d427f945
      “Ouch, moving it hurts”

      The girls are filmed in the back of a car having a laff and being super friendly.

    • JKS. They sit there like siblings who hate each other.

      “We there yet, this sucks”
    • They end up at some creepy AF house sitting around the worlds SMALLEST table and I have no idea what the set designer was thinking.
    • Probs had a suck on ones of Cobes’ balloons and thought the mini table would be a good lol.
    • It was indeed a good lol. small table.JPG
    • It’s your standard threesome where both girls try to outdo each other and the guy sits back enjoying it unfold.
    • They both say some pretty passive aggressive things about each other and I wish I was there as I would have told Mr M the truth. One is batshit crazy and the other has the personality of a doorknob.
    • Mr M takes Evil Kween Hates DRAHMA Jen to a questionable couch and listens as she blatantly tells him fibs.
    • She does tell him she has hungry ovaries through and given Liz doesn’t (even after Mr M continues to push the question), she is the winner and Liz is the loser.
    • He spins her some shit about ‘no spark’ but she’s not silly, she knows it’s because her ovaries aren’t hungry for some of his baby batter.
    • Jen is BESIDE herself with glee.

      FFS, don’t be so obvious Jen!
    • Back at the house, it’s like tumbleweeds are being thrown around as the girls look at Jen return with blatant shock.
    • giphy-2
      Everyone’s reaction to her return.

      She then tells some more fibs.

      He said absolutely none of those things.


    • It’s cocktail party time and there is plenty of DRAHMA music.
    • We see pretty quickly that Sian’s been enjoying those free dranks. 20771912_10155016949167753_1528179127_o.jpg
    • She starts blabbering on about things and the producers are high-fiving behind the cameras before handing her a few more drinks.
    • She starts going on about how she just doesn’t care while crying, showing us that actually, well, she does care.
    • We see some producers BTS footage and we know shit is getting UnReal…smirking-facegiphy.gif
    • Her spells are making her bipolar as Saucy Sian quickly starts making as much sense as Cobes after two many pulls on her balloon.

      loving ity.JPG
      Nek minute…
    • And then outside (where Mr M just ‘happens’ to be waiting)…

      “Matty I’m too good for you, I want out”
    • mattyconfused
      Nek minute… “I’m 100% in, I wanna stay”

      We cut the rose ceremony and the DRAHMA music is on another level of intensity.

    • Osh comes out and he’s up to his usual captain obvious tricks.
    • There’s much DRAHMA breathing, much DRAHMA looking at each other.
    • ANDDDD we get a TO BE CONTINUED screen.
      She’s got the right feels for this bullshit…



Missed an ep?

Words by Kelly McCarren. 

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