After the clickbait that was last nights appalling ending, let’s just jump right in shall we? I want to see Saucy Sian start casting spells on some bitches.
- So we pick up from where we left last night after a
boringnice montage of all the DRAHMA that occurred.
- Mr M asks to speak to Saucy Sian and she acts all surprised as if she has ABSOLUTELY no idea why.
- He asks her to leave because
he’s terrified of her doesn’t trust her ‘doubts’.
- I’m annoyed at the producers as they’ve obviously slipped a valium in her latest drink as she’s now calm AF.
- I wanted spells and rose throwing.
- Has anyone else noticed that she keeps changing her accent from Aussie bogan to weird hybrid Brit? It’s so weird.
- That was far less DRAHMATIC than the clickbait implied.
- Mr M comes back in and tells all the girls that he ABSOLUTELY is not a puppet and the producers have nothing to do with anything he does.
- Which is a bit rich given the Evil Kweens are still in his peen prison.
- Anyway, it’s daylight now and the girls have to do the date card squeal routine by themselves, because Osh is too busy returning his new glasses to Specsavers after the public collectively said LOL about them.
- Token Bogan Tara gets the single date and she’s so cute and bogan and delightful; I want to squeeze her and make her my friend.
- Mr M turns up to their date like this…
- Which is the dorkiest, least sexy vision of a man I’ve ever seen.
- Token Bogan Tara doesn’t ride bikes, which is odd given she’s a bogan. Don’t they ride around the streets wearing thongs as a preferred mode of transport?
- She’s not much help on the back and basically just keeps screaming ‘shit’ really loudly and Mr M is strong but it’s proving quite the workout.
- So after about 100m, he pulls up at some random house because there are boats outside and we already know how much he likes boats.
- She is VERY excited to be cooking Italian with him bless her. I mean, I’d be pissed given the other girls have gone on boats and shit but whatever, I’ve never been asked on the show.
- My boyfriend starts prattling on about how nice the kitchen is until I tell him to STFU, recapping requires serious attention.
- There’s some wine that is NOT SPONSORED.
And Tara gets even more excited, which is reason 983 I want her to be my friend.
They start cooking and ol’ Tarz just can’t keep her hands off Mr M’s delicious tooshie.
- Mr M loses his shit laughing.
- Gals made it to top 3 now. No one else has made him LOL.
- They sit on a questionable couch and a moment in history happens… They actually eat the food. Yes, you read that correctly. Food was actually consumed on the Bachelor.
- Which means there wasn’t a producer nearby slapping their hands away from the nosh, hissing ‘it’s for decoration FFS’.
- Token Bogan Tara tells him that she has hungry ovaries so he takes her out of the friendzone and back into the group of potential storage units for his baby batter.
- The both babble on a bit but it actually seems pretty genuine at this point.
- Mr M then pulls her in for a smooch and they both try and hide their tongue action from the probing lenses coming at them.
- I hope a producer had a mint on hand after that Italian food.
- Back at the peen prison, Cobie is super excited to have found a group date card that she’s not on. The producers must have found her balloon as she’s perky again.
- Osh must still be waiting in line to return his glasses.
- The group date was clearly devised by evil producers who found out Simone was deathly afraid of heights as they all head off to go Skydiving.
- Mr M says some more ‘jumping’ and ‘falling’ lame love metaphors.
- I feel so bad for Simone, she’s not having any of it.
- The plane driver man pulls a few stupid pranks and much to the producer’s chagrin, Simone doesn’t throw up and/or pass out.
- All the girls willingly leap out of the plane to prove their love for Mr M.
- Except for Simone who is hysterical.
- She’s told she doesn’t have to do while simultaneously being shoved out the door by an annoyed producer who is now behind schedule.
- Lo and behold she doesn’t die and is very happy that she didn’t die.
- The girls are also happy she didn’t die.
- Osh finally arrives and is already pissed off about the line at Specsavers, so imagine his irritation when he realises he wasn’t invited Skydiving.
- Because Simone was tortured, Mr M takes her for some private time on a random, questionable couch.
- Where he basically just teases her for being a pussy.
Because she’s clearly not a top contender, we skip the rest of this dreadful date and head back to the peen prison where a cocktail party has begun.
- Elise who I assumed was just a blonde filler, takes Mr M fishing off the bridge and everyone in Australia watching dies a little inside.
It’s boring and lame but she seems like a nice person so I feel bad for thinking mean thoughts.
- At least it wasn’t another porno.
- The girls start bickering about lines and Ticketek and getting a turn with their boyfriend.
- I get it. When Crash Bandicoot came out I had to fight for time on the PlayStation.
- It’s all very boring and Hates DRAHMA Jen feels very satisfied with her DRAHMA inducing efforts.
- Osh comes to the rose ceremony and manages to explain the maths of the roses without his glasses.
- Fartalie gets the boot and a blonde filler is devastated.
It’s all very civil and the girls will miss her amazing cheekbones and farting ways.
- Farwell Fartalie, you were a true character.
Until next week peeps!
Missed an ep?
- The Bachelor 2017 Ep 1: Meet Matty’s 22 New Girlfriends
- The Bachelor 2017 Ep 2: There Are Mean Girls In The Peen Prison
- The Bachelor 2017 Ep 3: There Was Jousting Weapons Involved
Words by Kelly McCarren.